DAMSELLING – I own rape, and don’t you forget it.

TS has a great post up – a usual – where he deals with this steaming pile of selfishness and disingenuous prevarication: http://sexistculture.tumblr.com/post/13846722819/men-get-raped-too-a-response-tw

The blogger’s basic position clearly is that rape is a woman’s issue. Period. Her pallid and half-hearted references to male rape are nothing but cover.  

She winds up by saying to advocates for male rape victims and really also to male rape victims themselves:  “But don’t you dare fucking interrupt me while you do it. This is a conversation, and in a polite conversation you have to listen and wait for your turn.”

Trans: “In other words: male victims, shut the fuck up.” 

Read the comment thread. I wish I could quote the whole thing here, because the commenters do a good job on this. 

Simple answer, simple remedy. These feminists cannot be part of the conversation around rape of males, and obviously are never going to be any part of the solution. They are victimizers rather than allies. Their insistence on clinging to primary victim status prevents them from being anything else. 

“”But don’t you dare fucking interrupt me while you do it.” 

Get over yourself. No one is interrupting you because you’re not in the conversation n anyway – you have no part in it. It’s not your conversation. You make that very clear that you can only insult and erase male victims and insist that their trauma is less than and secondary to yours. 

There may very well be feminists who truly care about male rape victims. It is quite possible. But they have to do much, much better than this to get any respect from me on this. On the issue of male rape, they are just not good enough. 

Feminists who talk like this? You like to think of yourselves as caring people, people who care about victims, who care about justice and healing the hurts of the world – well, that’s not who you are. You are victimizers and rape apologists, that’s who you are. You have shown you not only don’t care about male victims of rape, but that you want to silence and erase them. You re-victimize them. You are rape apologists.

12 thoughts on “DAMSELLING – I own rape, and don’t you forget it.

  1. Great post. I’m hard-pressed to think of anything that is LESS worthy of the term “conversation” than the usual feminist approach to talking at men about the issues of rape and abuse. I have encountered some feminists whose approach to this I consider genuinely inclusive and egalitarian- no hedging or reflexive “but of course women have it worse” cringe- but I suspect the blogger you quote would consider them phonies.

    Your last paragraph brings to mind something about the way many people talk about this subject that I’ve long found sort of chilling. One of the scariest things there is, to me, is someone whose self-image is based on an exaggerated belief in their own compassion, especially when it’s combined with an unacknowledged prejudice about a particular group. If I think that I’m just naturally overflowing with benevolence and kindness, and your (generic “your”) pain is not obvious and understandable to me, the simplest explanation is that it must not actually exist; if it does not move me, it must not actually matter. After all, if it did, someone as filled with empathy as I am would notice and care. It can easily provide a license for horrendous cruelty, and so much of the way many feminists deal with the issue of male victimization seems to exemplify this.

  2. I have had the exact same thought John Markley. I called it a belief that you have “perfect empathy”. So if you don’t feel sorry for someone it isn’t important because you have perfect empathy and you would definitely feel something if someone was actually hurting.

  3. Wow. The original post certainly has at least one young woman hot under the collar.

    Here’s a reblog and an additional admonishment from stfusexists:

    “That said, this is an excellent post summarising why that fact should never be used a derailing tactic when discussing how gender disproportionately dictates one’s likelihood of being raped.”

    Really? Because I’ve looked at almost all of the research and none of it conclusively says that gender disproportionately dictates one’s likelihood of being raped.

    Or that all other forms of rape besides man-on-woman is some sort of ‘rape lite’–all the great rape taste with none of the rapey side-effects!

    Also… this promotes a view of women as bigger–THE BIGGEST–victims. What. A. Surprise.

  4. “This is a conversation, and in a polite conversation you have to listen and wait for your turn”

    In a polite conversation one person doesn’t monopolise the discussion. Nor does one person get to dictate the terms of the discussion.

  5. In my experience of witnessing this over the years, I’ve come to the conclusion that many of them are consciously and deliberately re-victimizing others by invalidating them.

  6. Oh but Adaiabat, you don’t understand the chivalrous assumptions she is operating under – in polite society she is free to behave any way she likes because all those old rules about how a lady acts are retrograde and obsolete and he is subject to her interpretation of the rules of polite interaction because she’s the Mommy.

  7. And by doing that they are policing who gets to be considerd a victim, with all the access to help and sympathy that goes with that, and who is excluded form that favored status. In doing this they are counting on, and reinforcing, tradtitional gender roles under which males arenot entitled to either help or sympathy. So this is an example of women’s advocacy relying on and reinforcing the “Patriarchy” they claim to oppose so vehemently.

  8. @John Markley,
    “If I think that I’m just naturally overflowing with benevolence and kindness, and your (generic “your”) pain is not obvious and understandable to me, the simplest explanation is that it must not actually exist; if it does not move me, it must not actually matter.”

    I hadn’t noticed that angle, but it certainly follows.

    I know that is definitely what happnes with the Lady Bountiful kind of person – once they identify themselves as caring they are free to be as indifferent to suffering as suits them. But what you point out is an even more powerful explanation.

  9. A question has been nagging me.

    I have been assured, repeatedly, by various people that our culture is one which is indifferent to– or even encourages– rape.

    Furthermore, I have seen that one of the preferred tactics (often espoused by these same people) is to publicly “name and shame” accused rapists, expose who they are, publicize their deeds.

    Okay. But… if our culture is indifferent to rape, how would it be possible to shame rapists by publicizing their names?

    Could you be publicly humiliated for doing something that everyone is indifferent to?

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